...I get to explain to an asshole, who doesn't know he's an asshole, why he's an asshole, but I have to try to not be an asshole about it.
I think we'll call him Coyote. Now, Coyote and I have known each other since I was in the 7th grade. Throughout middle and high school, it was an on-again-off-again sort of thing. Each time I'd be single, he'd have a girlfriend; each time he'd be single, I'd have a boyfriend. This continued on for the duration of our pre-high school graduation careers. And it almost never, ever worked out but that's okay because I think I failed to mention that I was 13 and he was 16, which is not a good starting point for a relationship.
ANYWAY. When I was a senior (17) and he was graduated but still around (at 20) we finally were both single and were like "Hey, you know what? Let's finally give this a shot." This era is to be known as the Semi-Dating Stage. We basically knew we were going to start dating but we hadn't spoken in like two years and it would've been awkward to just become a couple, so we decided it would be a good idea to, you know, see each other first. We went through a lovely walk in the local park and all seemed right with the world.
My sister's asshole ex-boyfriend told Coyote that my mom didn't want us dating, which is not at all what she said. So Coyote was all "Now I don't want to date you" and I'm like "But I just talked to my mom! Just right now! She wants us to date!" and he's all "But I don't want her to be upset" and I'm like "BUT SHE'S NOT!" and he didn't care and didn't want to date anyway. It was the weirdest thing...like I could NOT convince him to believe me instead of the asshole ex-boyfriend.
~*2 YEARS LATER*~
Coyote loses a lot of weight and insists on sending me shitty MySpace pictures that he took of himself shirtless, in a towel, in his bathroom, holding a crappy phone, just like 13 year old girls do when they try to get molested through online stalking. Then he insists that I comment on said shitty picture, to which I can't write something mean or else I'd be an bitch, so I have to say something incredibly vague like "looking good!" and hope he doesn't ask me to elaborate.
~*4 YEARS AFTER THAT*~
My cousin (who is also Coyote's best friend, who is also my best friend's (and also cousin) brother) (wow, sorry if that was ridiculously confusing - just read it a few times over, you'll get it eventually) got married! So me, my best friend/cousin, and other friend, and Coyote and a couple of his friends all went out to eat afterwards. Well I hadn't seen Coyote in a while and he was pretty cool at the reception, but during food outing afterwards, he was the drunkest assholiest person on the planet. Asshole actions include but are not limited to:
- Telling people to "SHH!" before they even began a sentence.
- Telling people to "Shut up!" when they argued anything he said
- Constantly trying to find his friend a one night stand (even though the friend was clearly embarrassed and would rather shank himself than go on a one night stand because he was moving to Michigan like, that night)
I believe I actually asked him "Are you always this much of an asshole, or just when your drunk?"
~*A FEW WEEKS AGO*~
He starts having problems with his current girlfriend, who says she hates him because he's a bum and can't support her. Which...is actually partially true because he still lives at home and doesn't have a full time job (and, if you're keeping track of this, he's 26) and doesn't want to go to college because, AND I QUOTE, "going to college and working part time is just too hard". To which I honestly but perhaps bluntly replied "Yeah, it's hard for everybody."
So since like a week ago, he broke up with his girlfriend of two years and I believe he wants us to semi-date again, I believe this is where the fun starts. We're going for coffee tomorrow. I agreed to this because he told me, "I wanna get advice from you because you're one of the few people I truly respect and trust". So, I mean...really. I had to go after that. (And also because I’m a really, really curious person and want to know how it’s going to play). But I also made a vow to myself that I'd never date him, because I know how big of an asshole he can be. Which is something I'll probably have to explain to him.
And this is why I get to explain to an asshole, who doesn't know he's an asshole, why he's an asshole.
So actually, the little gathering wasn't bad at all. He wasn't an asshole, I didn't have to explain to him why he's an asshole, and I think I succeeded in not being an asshole. I think.
The problem didn't come until that night. Coyote kept badgering me on why I didn't want to like, immediately become a couple with me. Like...what? That wasn't even a date. So on facebook chat, he was really difficult to talk to because he was being all... strategic is the best word for it. An example:
Coyote: how about deciding ASAP, we just see how it goes? lol
Me: deciding asap? did you mean to put "instead of deciding asap, we see how ti goes"?
Coyote: will that make me look better?
Me: its not a trick question lmao
is that what you meant?
or did you mean, you want me to decide right now and see waht happens
Coyote: lol how do i know it's NOT a trick question?
Me: oh good God!
Just freaking talk to me! I'm not a freaking chemistry experiment; you don't have to cautiously try different things to see which one provides the correct results and which one will results in you to catching on fire. Actually, that might be exactly what it's like, because he almost got the latter effect.
At THE EXACT TIME THIS WAS HAPPENING, another guy (with serious, legit emotional issues) was also badgering me on why I won't date him. I mean, I already told him I didn't want to date, but he kept persisting, saying "he still has hope" and stuff like that. To which I told him (and Coyote, for that matter) that the idea of any guy waiting around for me to make a decision really bothers me. Well he started to get a little snippy with me, so I finally told him, flat out, "Ok, I'll be honest. I'm sorry, I'm just not good with this kinda thing. I'm not trying to avoid you but I just don't think I'm interested and I don't want to hurt your feelings." To which he immediately got all "I knew I didn't deserve you", "I'm so stupid," "I know you can do better." Which I think is just unfair. I mean, to any other girl who isn't as stubborn as me (at least in these situations) would immediately be like "I'm sorry, I don't want you to feel that way, okay I'll date you." Which...to me, is just another manipulative trick (whether he intends it that way or not is unclear) to get the girl to be with him. Scary shiz, ya'll.
All while trying to HTML code an entire website for a class that was due the next day.
(You know what. Any two of those three things together, I could have handled. If it was two guys and no website, fine. If it was one guy and the website, fine. But all three of them made me want to rip my hair out, and I rarely get like that. I couldn't focus on any of them so I just started being snappy and...it was bad.)
Convo with Em:
Me: i mean...i really dont mean to sound like im beating guys off with a stick
Me: ..but thats seirously EXACTLY what it feels like
I really don't mean to come across like "Oh, woe is me, all these men fawning over me, and I don't know which to choose!" because that's not at all what it is. It's more like "Holy crap, I have commitment issues and just want people to leave me alone, but they are all up in my grill and I'm getting claustrophobic." It's really, really very uncomfortable because I'm a complete people-pleaser. But my people-pleasing issue is a close second to my commitment phobia issue. So that means that I really want these people to not hate me, but evidently the only way for them to not hate me is to date me (rhymage, yay,) and I don't want to date them because I'm a commitment phobic. And also because I'm not really interested in them because they bother me.
In conclusion: NO I DON'T WANT TO DATE YOU, LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE.*sob*