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02 May 2011 @ 03:48 pm

...I get to explain to an asshole, who doesn't know he's an asshole, why he's an asshole, but I have to try to not be an asshole about it.

I think we'll call him Coyote. Now, Coyote and I have known each other since I was in the 7th grade.  Throughout middle and high school, it was an on-again-off-again sort of thing. Each time I'd be single, he'd have a girlfriend; each time he'd be single, I'd have a boyfriend. This continued on for the duration of our pre-high school graduation careers. And it almost never, ever worked out but that's okay because I think I failed to mention that I was 13 and he was 16, which is not a good starting point for a relationship.

ANYWAY. When I was a senior (17) and he was graduated but still around (at 20) we finally were both single and were like "Hey, you know what? Let's finally give this a shot." This era is to be known as the Semi-Dating Stage. We basically knew we were going to start dating but we hadn't spoken in like two years and it would've been awkward to just become a couple, so we decided it would be a good idea to, you know, see each other first. We went through a lovely walk in the local park and all seemed right with the world.


My sister's asshole ex-boyfriend told Coyote that my mom didn't want us dating, which is not at all what she said. So Coyote was all "Now I don't want to date you" and I'm like "But I just talked to my mom! Just right now! She wants us to date!" and he's all "But I don't want her to be upset" and I'm like "BUT SHE'S NOT!" and he didn't care and didn't want to date anyway. It was the weirdest thing...like I could NOT convince him to believe me instead of the asshole ex-boyfriend.


Coyote loses a lot of weight and insists on sending me shitty MySpace pictures that he took of himself shirtless, in a towel, in his bathroom, holding a crappy phone, just like 13 year old girls do when they try to get molested through online stalking. Then he insists that I comment on said shitty picture, to which I can't write something mean or else I'd be an bitch, so I have to say something incredibly vague like "looking good!" and hope he doesn't ask me to elaborate.


My cousin (who is also Coyote's best friend, who is also my best friend's (and also cousin) brother) (wow, sorry if that was ridiculously confusing - just read it a few times over, you'll get it eventually) got married! So me, my best friend/cousin, and other friend, and Coyote and a couple of his friends all went out to eat afterwards. Well I hadn't seen Coyote in a while and he was pretty cool at the reception, but during food outing afterwards, he was the drunkest assholiest person on the planet.  Asshole actions include but are not limited to:

  • Telling people to "SHH!" before they even began a sentence.
  • Telling people to "Shut up!" when they argued anything he said
  • Constantly trying to find his friend a one night stand (even though the friend was clearly embarrassed and would rather shank himself than go on a one night stand because he was moving to Michigan like, that night)

I believe I actually asked him "Are you always this much of an asshole, or just when your drunk?"


He starts having problems with his current girlfriend, who says she hates him because he's a bum and can't support her. Which...is actually partially true because he still lives at home and doesn't have a full time job (and, if you're keeping track of this, he's 26) and doesn't want to go to college because, AND I QUOTE, "going to college and working part time is just too hard". To which I honestly but perhaps bluntly replied "Yeah, it's hard for everybody."


So since like a week ago, he broke up with his girlfriend of two years and I believe he wants us to semi-date again, I believe this is where the fun starts. We're going for coffee tomorrow. I agreed to this because he told me, "I wanna get advice from you because you're one of the few people I truly respect and trust". So, I mean...really. I had to go after that. (And also because I’m a really, really curious person and want to know how it’s going to play). But I also made a vow to myself that I'd never date him, because I know how big of an asshole he can be. Which is something I'll probably have to explain to him.

And this is why I get to explain to an asshole, who doesn't know he's an asshole, why he's an asshole.

So actually, the little gathering wasn't bad at all. He wasn't an asshole, I didn't have to explain to him why he's an asshole, and I think I succeeded in not being an asshole. I think.

The problem didn't come until that night. Coyote kept badgering me on why I didn't want to like, immediately become a couple with me. Like...what? That wasn't even a date. So on facebook chat, he was really difficult to talk to because he was being all... strategic is the best word for it. An example:

Coyote: how about deciding ASAP, we just see how it goes? lol
Me: deciding asap? did you mean to put "instead of deciding asap, we see how ti goes"?
Coyote: will that make me look better?
Me: its not a trick question lmao
is that what you meant?
or did you mean, you want me to decide right now and see waht happens
Coyote: lol how do i know it's NOT a trick question?
Me: oh good God!

Just freaking talk to me! I'm not a freaking chemistry experiment; you don't have to cautiously try different things to see which one provides the correct results and which one will results in you to catching on fire. Actually, that might be exactly what it's like, because he almost got the latter effect.

At THE EXACT TIME THIS WAS HAPPENING, another guy (with serious, legit emotional issues) was also badgering me on why I won't date him. I mean, I already told him I didn't want to date, but he kept persisting, saying "he still has hope" and stuff like that. To which I told him (and Coyote, for that matter) that the idea of any guy waiting around for me to make a decision really bothers me. Well he started to get a little snippy with me, so I finally told him, flat out, "Ok, I'll be honest. I'm sorry, I'm just not good with this kinda thing. I'm not trying to avoid you but I just don't think I'm interested and I don't want to hurt your feelings." To which he immediately got all "I knew I didn't deserve you", "I'm so stupid," "I know you can do better." Which I think is just unfair. I mean, to any other girl who isn't as stubborn as me (at least in these situations) would immediately be like "I'm sorry, I don't want you to feel that way, okay I'll date you." Which...to me, is just another manipulative trick (whether he intends it that way or not is unclear) to get the girl to be with him. Scary shiz, ya'll.

All while trying to HTML code an entire website for a class that was due the next day.

(You know what. Any two of those three things together, I could have handled. If it was two guys and no website, fine. If it was one guy and the website, fine. But all three of them made me want to rip my hair out, and I rarely get like that. I couldn't focus on any of them so I just started being snappy and...it was bad.)

Convo with Em:

Me: i mean...i really dont mean to sound like im beating guys off with a stick
Me: ..but thats seirously EXACTLY what it feels like

I really don't mean to come across like "Oh, woe is me, all these men fawning over me, and I don't know which to choose!" because that's not at all what it is. It's more like "Holy crap, I have commitment issues and just want people to leave me alone, but they are all up in my grill and I'm getting claustrophobic." It's really, really very uncomfortable because I'm a complete people-pleaser. But my people-pleasing issue is a close second to my commitment phobia issue. So that means that I really want these people to not hate me, but evidently the only way for them to not hate me is to date me (rhymage, yay,) and I don't want to date them because I'm a commitment phobic. And also because I'm not really interested in them because they bother me.



01 May 2011 @ 08:00 pm

 And it is Gilligan's Island. (Stop looking at me like that.) Now...I don't know why I have these random obsessions, but I do, and I choose to embrace.

It began with a random desire:

Me: ever have the urge to do someting nerdy?
Em: Oh yea.
me: i need advice on if its too nerdy
Em: Go on.
Me: Find the gilligan songs on youtube, make them mp3s, and put them on my mp3 player.
Em: DO IT. Then send them to me!

 So of course I did and found myself looking up random little clips and needing to watch it, NEEDING IT I TELL YOU.  Now...I also happen to own the season 2 DVD (Stop looking at me like that, etc), so I proceeded to wallow in my room like a hermit, watching it constantly.  I did this for a few days until I realized that there are two more seasons than I needed to have. So I bought season 3 and watched it constantly, until (much like a crackhead) I needed MORE, so I bought season 1 as well.

Now. Something about myself. There will be periods where I will have a completely random obsession that could last anywhere from 3 days to 6 years.  Shortly before this Gilligan's Island Thing happened, I was a little obsessed with Michael Sheen. And that lasted 3 days. I figured this was an indication that my brain was just in the mood for randomness, so I was thoroughly convinced that by the time I finished watching season 1, I would get over it and life would go on.

I believe it's been two months, and I am still watching Gilligan's Island episodes on constant repeats. The season DVDs are scattered throughout my house in every DVD player. So if I'm in a room with an object that can play Gilligan's Island, it will be playing Gilligan's Island. And I CAN'T STOP.  To add a little flavor to limited 98 episodes I have to watch, I've been reading fanfiction.net stories (which, I might add, Gilligan's Island has the best fan fiction I've yet to see. I'm completely surprised and pleased). 

Why can't I be obsessed with normal things that everybody else is obsessed with: like Charlie Sheen?

Bluh. Not feeling this story at all. I feel like it could possibly be good, if I changed it. Like, you know, a lot. Well, I guess I should let the reader judge for themselves, but I would just like to tell you, Internets, that if you don't like it, trust, we are in the same boat.

It also probably doesn't help that I was up until 5 working on it because I procrastinate like a mofo.

Title: Tragically Hip
Author: giinabiina
Rating: PG, because of one “curse” word.
Word count: 1491

Tragically HipCollapse )
05 January 2011 @ 12:38 am
Okay, somehow even WITH auto-save this is is still like the 3rd time I've tried posting this. 

Well...okay.  So much has gone on with me emotionally since I last posted that I kept debating between sitting down and writing out my emotions on LJ, or...watching TV on my couch. I chose the latter. And of course, life doesn't just stop, so MORE stuff happened and...now I have so much stuff I want to talk about but it would be such a huge Bitch Fest that I don't even want to go there. But then I found this.

A survey of all things 2010.  This way...I can get out some of the stuff that not only happened all month, but all year.

Cheating on Roger Bart with Lin Manuel Miranda, The Immortal Bruise, AND MORE! Collapse )

*Sigh of relief* That was cathartic.
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: How cute. Is that cat.
07 December 2010 @ 02:00 pm
Yesterday started out horrible, became amazing in about 15 minutes, and stayed consistently good since. I'll take it.

The horribleness was because, well, I live in the Great Lakes region and if you've been staying updated on the weather situation over here, yea. I think you'll get it.  Not to mention the fact that I'm having the Week of Angry Ovaries. If you catch my drift. And I'm sure you do. So basically I had to walk around campus all morning in the freezingness while my body was punishing me for not being pregnant. Well SORRY but you can just DEAL WITH IT, OKAY. But then I went home I realized my mom MADE ME BREAKFAST, HELL TO THE YES. And life was wonderful after that.

So later on in the day I had to do my “Junior Portfolio Review” (I am a graphic design major, btw). This is a review in which you lay out your work from all your previous classes and your supposed to stand there as your teachers talk about you as if you’re not even there and they judge you and it is terrifying, let me tell you that.  But I passed (even got a “you did very well” thrown in) and I was a Happy Gina.

In other news, the new “Brigits Flame” contest was revealed to be  “Kill the Engine”. And I’m not going to lie, my first reaction was fairly similar to  “Oh. Hm. Well....Hm.” But I then I had one of those wonderful epiphanies where your like "I'VE GOT IT!" because the idea I had fits in very well with a long term project that I’m terrified to start haven’t had the time to start working on.

And as of Wednesday, this God-Forsaken Semester is DONE. Praise the LORD.
So, this is a very, very short story written for the Brigits-Flame community (a weekly/monthly writing contest).  The prompt for this story was “Lie to Me” so…here we are.  I've been trying to figure out my writing process so it's been an interesting experience, but the way I've written this one seemed to work out really well (well, I hope).  My first completed story eva! I'M KIND OF NERVOUS, YOU GUYS.

Title: Gone for Tonight
Author: giinabiina
Rating: R for sexual content, drug use, and one curse word to be exact
Triggers: Heroine use
Genre: Fiction
Word count: 823 words

Gone for Tonight...Collapse )
Current Mood: shockedAAHH
30 November 2010 @ 09:50 pm
So... after my Dreaded 12-Hour-of-Campus-Day I flopped on my couch at 9PM and...of course...passed out for the whole night. Gah, I hate when I do that: I know I'm going to fall asleep, but what do I do anyway? Flop over and die for the entire night. At 9. And it's such an epic waste of time, too.  But when I'm laying there it just feels...sooo good, especially after a long day to lay down.  Anyway, I obviously got nothing done which...kind of blows.

I also slept wrongly (because, you know, it was a loveseat) and I screwed up my neck so now I can't really look to the right.  Yea.

In other news, I finally decided to join the Brigits-Flame contest, even though I basically have no writing experience what so ever.  I don't even know what my process is.  The theme is "Lie to me" in which, we have to write a short story about, well, why someone would want to be lied to.  

I am trying to figure out what my writing process is, which is weird and kind of enlightening. I always thought of myself as a person who would just write and see where I end up, but I tried that and I don't think that's so good for me.  When I do it that way, it's kind of like I'm carving a sculpture but I have no idea what I'm sculpting, so I just kind of end up making an ugly shape that even I don't know what it is. SO what I've been doing for this is kind of just...writing down every single thought to myself. 

Why should one want to be lied to?

One would want to be lied to because the dream is better than the reality.  Sometimes people have their own idea in mind, one that seems perfect, but it could never be in reality.  Therefore, that person will lie to themselves to keep the fantasy alive.

Someone has done something that they regret so they lie to themselves

*The Phantom of the Opera  - "In the darkness it's easy to pretend, that the truth is what it ought to be."
*Frankenstein acts like he did nothing wrong after he created the terrifying monster that kills.

Reasons for lying to oneself:
• Regret - Something you caused
• Shame - Something you haven’t caused
• Denying - Something you haven’t caused

 These are some of the notes that I just started typing and...actually, it's worked out pretty well.  Then as I was driving to school I had my epiphany moment of what I actually wanted it to be about, then in math class I wrote out the outline for the whole story (instead of, you know, learning math.)

So as of now the process is: 1) Write down all the thoughts, ideas and theories about the subject at hand; 2) Narrow these down to specifics, then try to think of characters to fit these ideas; 3) Create the outline of what's going to happen, specifically beginning and end.

So I've done all that now for this particular story, and now I'll type out what I wrote up and try to make it sound decent.  Because, you know, it's not like FINALS are coming up or anything.
Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
21 November 2010 @ 08:32 pm
I had an epiphany the other day.

I've been upset because all of my friends are ditching me for their boyfriends, and then I realized... that it is completely inevitable.  I mean, isn't that what happens to everybody? You all have your best friends for your whole life, and eventually you're all going to end up getting married anyway.  Yes, I'm 21 years old and it took me THIS long for it to sink it.  Now, I have always been a "hos before bros" type my whole life: I hate ditching my friends for my boyfriend, I hate being all lovey with the boyfriend when in company with other people - I just generally don't like people feeling like they are second on my mind. And to be perfectly honest, of my friends right now, I kind of think that I'm the only one who feels this way.

Let me just say: the reason why my posts lately have been about "boy trouble" is due to the fact that I've felt I've been completely put on the back burner by one of my dearests friends for about a half a year now which coincidentally? I think not is when her and her beau started dating. My summer was filled with bitterness and confusion, but currently my autumn has been more of a "I just...I don't know. I don't care. I just...don't care" feeling. Passive aggressive? Possibly.  But it's a lot better than sad bitterness.

ANYWAY. The main issue in my life right now is... "Well. If my friends are just going to ditch me for their guys then why bother getting close? And you know what? If a guy is probably just going to leave you anyway, why get close with him, too?" It's not a comfortable position to be in, and I know it's not healthy, and it needs to stop.

Well, let's see. I'd like to end this on a happy note. Umm....um. THANKSGIVING is coming up! And I told a few (SINGLE YAY) friends that I would go with them from 10:00 pm-12:00thenextdayPM for The Dreaded Black Friday.  I'm hoping there is a nap-in-the-car at some point and lots of caffeine/food along the way for me to survive this.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: I'm on a BOAT.
16 November 2010 @ 01:21 am
Last weekend I had a nasty head cold, and decided to become a hermit for the whole weekend.  On Saturday, I was debating between watching History of the World Part I or Phantom, because my tastes are awesome like that. I went with POTO, and Holy. Crap. That movie is so much creepier than I remember it (and I was totally obsessed with it from 2004-2008ish).  It was actually an amazing experience, re-watching it after a few years.  It was like I was watching it for the first time but...with all the knowledge already in possesion. I dont know why...I just feel the need to recap my fresh, eye opening experience of watching this.

So let me recap it in the way that I watched it [SPOILER ALERT]:

So this little 7 year old girl's dad dies, so some French lady (who must be uber-French considering she has a French accent...in France, but ANYWAY) adopts her and this creepy guy who lives all isolated is like "Hey I'll pretend to be your dad!"  So of course she grows up thinknig her dad's ghost is like an angel teaching her to sing and blah. Then one day he decides to um...lock her in her dressing room while her...adopted mother...watches? Really? Just...watches him lock her in.  And does NOTHING about it. So of course she meets the ghost and he's actually the infamous Phantom of the Opera and he's all hot and she's like "Okay I guess I can dig being FELT UP BY HIM I guess.. even though hes the spirit of my DAD but hey, details."

So then random crazy shiz happens and the Angel/Ghost/Phantom goes batshit crazy because Andre and Firmin keep doing it in his precious box five won't pay him money, so he KILLS A GUY infront of THE AUDIENCE and Christine (Oh. That's the girl's name, btw, in case you really haven't seen this play before) is all HOMG THIS GUY IS CRAZY.  So she grabs her childhood sweetheart Raoul and takes him to the roof and is like "THIS GUY IS GOING TO KILL ME" and he's like "NO my dear! Do not fret, I will protect you!" So she's happy because she'll be protected and there will be no more talk of darkness and she'll forget her wide eyed fears because he's here and no one will harm her because his words will warm and calm her. But The Angel/Ghost/Phantom is LISTENING and cries and you're actually like "Whoa...that...is sad." So you kind of feel for him and all. Then he's like "I am going to RAISE SOME HELL BITCHES" and you're like "Okay...okay I'm kind of into this."

So then more crazy stuff happens and she realizes that he's just some crazy guy, so she goes to the cemetery and sings to her dad but then you hear The Angel/Ghost/Phantom! And... I'm not even sure what's really going on here..She asks if he's her Angel, Father, friend or Phantom and he says that he's her Angel, but he has a "fathering gaze" so...I don't really know. So it's kind of like "Wait...wait. She still thinks he's her dad?" So the movie goes from creepy to effed up in .5 seconds. (Won't lie though. Wandering Child is my favorite song, I think. I want to play "Have you forgotten your Angel.." on a loop nonstop everyday) Then Raoul comes and kicks the Angel/Ghost/Phantom's ass, so The Angel/Ghost/Phantom gets pissed and plots to..perform a play with her.  So they perform together and they sing of buds bursting into bloom and two becoming one and it's all hot and Christine is like "Hell. To the Yes." And Raoul is crying (literally) because he realizes how much power this guy has over her, then The Angel/Ghost/Phantom starts singing Raoul's song! To Christine! And Raoul's like "Aw hayell no." But then Christine decides to turn into uber-douche and RIP THE PHANTOM'S MASK OFF. So The Angel/Ghost/Phantom is like WTF and drops a chandelier on everyone and kidnaps Christine during the play and all hell breaks loose. So Raoul goes down to his lair to save her but The Angel/Ghost/Phantom ties him up and  threatens to kill him unless Christine goes with him. She ends up kissing The Angel/Ghost/Phantom, but then the The Angel/Ghost/Phantom feels bad and lets them go. And it's very bittersweet and amazingomg.

Honestly, it's one of my favorite movies ever, and I really enjoyed re-watching it. Because, honestly, I think the first 4 years of me watching it I was too busy being all "PHANTOM. HOT." to pay attention to the actual dynamics. Like, how much Christine totally should have went with Raoul and how safe she felt with him, but how the Phantom completely drew her in because he was hot, dark and mysterious, but Raoul was safe, warm and protecting. And I love, love, love the bittersweet ending. It's so perfect. Until they RUIN it with the sequel.

02 November 2010 @ 12:07 am

So. Yesterday my friend asked me a question that blew my freaking mind. A little bit A lot of back-story is needed here.

 I have been single for about a year and a half now, and I am totally okay with it. I'm 21, I'm enjoying life with my friends and looking at hot guys without feeling bad about. I mean, yes, I'd totally like to have someone that I can have a great time with, fall head over heels for, and blah. But I'm not going to date just anybody just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I want it to go as follows:

 Meet a guy > become friend > crush > mutual crush > finally go out squee.

 Honestly, I am looking forward to when that happens, because its fun. But until then, I'd much rather be single.

 Well. Let me start with guy #1. I knew him in high school through mutual friends, never hung out (I don't think?), never really talked, but I knew him.  Out of the blue he facebook chats me, starts asking if I have any breaks and we should hang out during said breaks (look, I work hard at my job and classes, breaks are my time for my brain to take a nap for a little). Then he says...

 "Well you need to meet my girlfriend, because she doesn't like when I hang out with other girls she doesn't know."

 Weird, right? Well I'm not interested, I try to be nice and invite him out with my friends, but he keeps asking me to hang out during breaks and... to go on a motorcycle ride? Um. ...Um.

Then him and his girlfriend broke up. Le sigh.

 Guy #2 is actually not too bad, just a little douchy, you know, argues with teachers for the sake of arguing, pisses people off for gits and shiggles. But, he works hard, pretty fun, seems pretty cool. Well he also asked me for lunch during a break (which my friend KNEW HE WAS GOING TO and DID NOT TELL ME WTF.)

So...luckily I didn't have a break at the same time as him, so I didn't have to fret about it. But during The Guy #1 Motorcycle Ride Offer, I was panicking to this friend, and we had the following convo:

friend:i mean he might just want someone to talk to
you cant ignore everyone of the opposite sex lol

friend: until it gets obvious
me: ..oh yea i do tend to do that, dont i
friend: haha sometimes
me: hmm...
me: thats interesting
me: i wonder why i do that


me: ..i just..dont want anything to do with romantic-ness i think
i seriously feel like consuela or whatever her name is
"no...you no come in...i..noo...." *slowly shuts the door*
the maid from family guy?
friend: oh lmao
me: like
friend: why?
me: i feel like im being sold something and your just like "i dont want any. leave me alone."
me: why though?

And I. Could not figure it out. I still can't figure it out.  For some reason lately every time a guy starts to get a little close, the walls go up and I want to run.  I just want to avoid the whole situation entirely. Some of the reasons may be...

1) I went out with a guy for about a year and, though he was sweet and very funny, I felt no romantic connection with him, so I broke up with him. And I don't want to say I regret it because I truly wasn't happy but...guh.  It really bothers me to think about it. I hurt a very good friend that day. And I do NOT want to be in that situation ever again.  It's better to just nip it in the bud now.

2) Parents separated? I don't know, I don't really like blaming that for anything, I was older at the time but...I have to say, I do tend to have a very different point of view after that happened.  You know, kind of always thought "well alot of people's parents divorced but as long as mine are together, there's hope!" And then...yeah.  Not that I don't see that a lot of older couples weathered through thick and thin for each other, I"m just saying it's very few and far between.
          a) Not to mention the fact that all of my family members enjoy telling me that marriage is stupid.

3) I've been in many instances where my friends completely replace me with their boyfriends. I think it's stupid. It infuriates me.  I don't want to be anything like that.  Just like how I hate when people say (about their significant others) "We're best friends, we truly are!" I mean, yea, that is nice and all, but what about their best friends from before?  Call me crazy, but I think ditching your friend for your partner is idiotic to the point of brain meltage.

That third point is a sore spot right now because I am currently in that situation.  I'll probably have a full blown rant about it one of these days, but it's been about a half a year since it started, and I think my brain sort of died thinking about it too much.

ANYWAY.  These are the current issues of my life as of right now.